The Naked Truth
by Sparty the Bold
Summary: In the middle of the night, a downtrodden Ganondorf pays Link a visit.  A strange conversation is what it takes to finally lighten the Gerudo King's mood.  One-shot comedy.  Rated T for language and crude humor.


_**Disclaimer: **If you are easily offended...then I still encourage you to read this anyway! I do not own anything pertaining to the Zelda universe, be it characters, places, cuccos, or Boba Fett. Also, I must add that said Star Wars bounty hunter will not be making an appearance in this story, so we definitely dodged that legal bullet._

_Rated: T, for the Truth!_

"**The Naked Truth"**

A "Legend of Zelda" Short Comedy

by Sparty

_Hyrule Castle: Hero of Time's Quarters – Around Midnight_

Link, Hyrule's very own Hero of Time, awoke very suddenly to the sound of heavy sobbing. His room was lit by the pale moonlight that shone through his open window, the illumination from which led him to immediately identify the source of the sobbing.

"G-Ganondorf?" Link stammered, not believing what he was seeing. The Gerudo King himself was sitting upon a chair in his chamber, hunched over and crying in huge sobs. Link sat up in bed not sure how to proceed with this situation.

The large Gerudo male turned at the sound of Link's voice, stifling a sob, then he pulled out a handkerchief from somewhere in his armor and blew his nose on it. After stuffing the soaked cloth back in its place, he turned to Link, his yellow eyes dulled from crying. "Yes, hero." Sniff. "It's me."

"Yeah, I know it's you. What I want to know is...well, there's a lot of things I'd like to know at this moment, but I'm not sure where I should start." The Gerudo shrugged, a moaning cry escaping his lips as he began to settle back in for another sob fest. "Alright, cut that out. You're really giving me the willies."

"Do you know why I'm here?" choked out Ganondorf.

"If it's to give me haunting nightmares for the rest of my life of my arch-nemesis crying, then you're definitely succeeding." Link thought to slip out of bed and maybe find his sword when Ganondorf spoke again.

"No, you fool..."

"Hey!"

"...I was coming here to finally kill you."

"Oh." Link mulled over this for a second. "And...what exactly went wrong? The plan...well, it seems pretty cut and dry to me, and," Link gulped, "I think you would have succeeded pretty easily in this case."

The Gerudo placed his head in his open palms. "I...I got to thinking...why I hadn't just done this earlier on. Why now, all of a sudden?"

"Because I own your ass in every battle we have, so you thought you'd be a sneaky son of a bitch and kill me in cold blood?"

Suddenly Ganondorf growled, flashing his noticeably white teeth at the Hero of Time. For an evil leader bent on taking over Hyrule one day, he certainly took good care of his dental hygiene—one would think the Gerudo would have been more preoccupied with his evil plots than with his pearly whites. Link ashamedly closed his lips tightly over his own teeth, for there were many times he had forgotten to brush at night.

"Exactly!" agreed the Gerudo King. "You win every time!" He paused a second. Link thought he was just about to say something else, when the waterworks began again.

"Oh, puh-leeeze," groaned Link. "Cry any more and I'm going to go grab my sword and beat you again for being such a chicken wuss."

Ganondorf sniffled. "Be my guest. That's all I'm good for: that is, getting beat by you."

"Damn straight! In fact, I think I might just do it anyway. One second..." Link threw back the covers of his bed and jumped to the ground. What was revealed made Ganondorf chuckle a little. Link stopped mid-step to find out what was so funny. "What now? One minute you're crying yourself a small river and the next you're laughing all crazy-like. You've really lost it, haven't you?"

"But...you-you're completely naked! Why...why are you naked, Link?" Ganondorf chuckled some more, and Link turned to him, hands on his hips. This seemed to make Ganondorf laugh even harder.

"Oh, is this what you do for fun? You make fun of the sleeping habits of other men? I'll have you know that sleeping nude is _very_ liberating."

"Oh, very."

"Ha ha, yeah, laugh it up. Don't tell me you never sleep naked."

"Well..." Ganondorf hesitated. "Of course I do!" he shouted defensively. "I...just don't do it alone."

Link raised an eyebrow. "Wh-what?"

A grin formed on the Gerudo's tear-streaked face. "Oh, you know what I mean. Being king of the Gerudo, a race consisting entirely of women save for one man..."

"Okay, okay! I get it."

"I have a lot of sex."

"Ah! You don't need to out and say it!"

"What about you? Do you and Princess Zelda ever...?"

Link's eyes grew wide. "Wha? Me and the Princess? What are you trying to suggest?"

Ganondorf laughed. "Oh, so you've never done anything with the Princess? Ever?"

"What? No!"

"No...but...I mean, you live right here in the castle, and I'm sure her door is just down the hallway. So...never? Really?" Ganondorf's laughter became unbearable for Link.

"Why you...what gives you the right to come into my room in the middle of the night, think to kill me, sit there and sob instead, and then make fun of my sex life? Well? Besides being an extremely weird and unsettling chain of events, it just begs the question: why?"

"Oh, I can't even begin to describe how rich this is," crooned Link's foe, ignoring the other's plea for sane rationale. "How many times have you saved that girl now? I was certain she would have rewarded her hero in one way or another."

"It...it doesn't matter how I'm rewarded! She's a proper lady and deserves to be treated as such."

Ganondorf stood, laughing harder still. "Oh, I know how a lady needs to be treated." He grabbed the space of air in front of him with both hands and hip-thrust into it.

Link's face contorted in disgust. "Oh! Gross!"

"Hmmm," contemplated Ganondorf, noticeably in a much better mood. "Perhaps she just needs the touch of a much older, more sophisticated, experienced man. Besides, from what I can see," Ganondorf quickly looked the naked Link up and down, "that probably wouldn't be enough to please her anyway."

Link felt his face turn hot. He covered his crotch with both hands and growled at the man standing only ten feet away. "If you even _think_ about it..."

"Now, wait a minute," stalled the Gerudo, a look of curiosity playing across his dark face. "So you and Zelda have never..."

"No!"

"...but what about anyone else?"

"Anyone else?"  
He folded his arms in front of him. "Well, yeah. For instance, what about that girl Malon from the ranch?"

"Hey! You leave her out of this!"

Ganondorf clapped his hands. "Ha! So you're admitting that you..."

"No!" interjected Link. "I...I would never..."

"What? Why not? Oh, you're just pulling my leg now. Besides...I can't blame you for being a fan of the redheads. I would know something about that, of course."

Link sighed. "This is ridiculous...look, can I...um...?"

"What?"

"...um...put on some pants or something?"

"Oh! O-of course. You do what you need to do, Link." Ganondorf watched as the Hero of Time walked over to a small chest tucked against the wall next to a tall wardrobe. "Wait, you keep your pants in a chest?"

"Nope."

Ganondorf didn't even see it coming due to the subdued light of the chamber. A wooden boomerang smacked the Gerudo King in the side of his head, spinning him around from the force of the throw. In the next instant, Link, still very nude, had grabbed his sword from its rack on the wall and was charging the momentarily dazed Ganondorf. The boomerang came full circle, and the Hero of Time caught it in his spare hand, then tossed it aside, still coming at Ganondorf.

The Gerudo King barely managed to block the blade coming for his head with a raised gauntleted hand. "Oh...now that was a dirty trick." He dizzily stepped back from Link, but the slender form of the Hylian before him kept coming, sword poised to strike again. He sidestepped the vertical slash and blocked the subsequent horizontal one with another well-positioned gauntlet. A jab, and Ganondorf leaned back, avoiding the skewering attack by inches.

"Heh heh," chuckled Ganondorf, as Link worked up a sweat trying his best to hit the Gerudo. "You look ridiculous, hero." He blocked each swing of a three-hit combo with ease, the effects of the boomerang's blow having worn off now.

"Quiet you!" shouted Link, leaping into the air for a more powerful jump attack. Ganondorf jumped backwards to avoid the blow, but when he landed a loud crunching crack was heard throughout the chamber. Link landed mere milliseconds after Ganondorf had leaped to the rear, but when he heard the sound that had occurred at his foe's landing, the hero's jaw dropped.

"Was...that what I think it was?" asked Ganondorf pointing to his foot.

Link inched forward, his face still showing his disbelief at what had happened. "You...my...your foot...boomerang..." Link could barely squeak out the words. He watched as Ganondorf lifted his heavy boot from off the stone floor and looked down in wonder at the pieces of the wooden throwing weapon.

"Oh. What a shame...was that expensive?"

"Expensive? It was _priceless_!"

"Hey, you can't be mad at me, Linky-boy," Ganondorf said, raising his hands in his defense. "I'm not the one that decided to leave his little toy just lying around for anybody to just step on and crush."

"But...I..." Link's shoulders sagged a little from the realization that he had indeed simply tossed his boomerang aside after it had come back from hitting Ganondorf's head. "I...didn't have anyplace to stow it on me."

"Oh, what a surprise." Link's foe grinned. "I mean, I would have been completely fine with you getting dressed, but you decided to pull a fast one on me. I'd say that this certainly serves you right."

"Hey! Maybe...maybe I felt threatened."

"Do indulge me."

"Well...I mean I was naked...I had my back turned to you..."

"And?"

Link shook his head dramatically. "Well...maybe I thought you were going to do something nasty to me from behind, so I had to act first!"

"Something...nasty? What? What are you talking abou...? Oh! No, no, no, Link." Ganondorf raised a hand to his forehead and laughed nervously. "Why would you even _think_ that about me! Hahaha!"

"Why? _Why_?" Link paused, thinking up any old reason why he would have been suspicious of said "nasty" behavior from Ganondorf. "I...my ass...was facing you...for a moment there...?"

"Huh?" Ganondorf eyed Link as if he were suddenly a stranger, not knowing this person anymore. "If what you're saying is in fact..." Ganondorf tugged at the collar of his leather jerkin beneath his black armor anxiously. "...Link...did you _want_ me to do something? And you panicked when I didn't?"

The Hero of Time looked away from Ganondorf, dropped his sword, and hugged his arms to his chest. "I...I don't know what I'm saying. But...perhaps I was just too scared to say anything."

"Shhh..." shushed the large Gerudo, moving in on Link, standing there all vulnerable and exposed. "It's okay, hero. I'm here. Ganondorf is here."

Link looked into the Gerudo's eyes. "Ga-Ganondorf. I...I'm sorry I got mad about the boomerang. I'm sorry I've been so mean to you and have kicked your ass time and time again. I'm..." Link sniffed, "...I'm..." Ganondorf enveloped his large arms around the small, naked Hylian, "...I'm really...truly...sor-OOPH!"

The Gerudo back away from Link quickly and watched gleefully as he curled up, fell to one side, and remained in the fetal position, moaning very loudly. Ganondorf's knee had struck the Hero of Time's crotch so hard and so fast that no one could mistake the popping sound that was produced on contact. The tall individual stood over the now-diminished man, having stolen from him is most precious possession, even more priceless than his old wooden boomerang.

"So this is what it feels like to win," gloated Ganondorf, standing proudly before the still-moaning Link. "Indeed, this is a punishment far worse than the death I had planned on giving you. Not only have you revealed to me that you are, in fact, still a virgin, but you will now remain so for the rest of your days."

"Nooo," squeaked out Link weakly, eyes wincing tightly from the pain.

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes! What I can't believe is that you actually thought I would do anything...of that sort with you. What can I say? I'm Ganondorf and I like sex...with women. Lots of women." He did one last hip thrust to the air before leaving the room through the doorway to the hall. He peeked his head in one last time and said, "Oh, and as for Zelda? Yeah...I popped her cherry a long time ago, kid. Yes, indeed, I was her first." He then grinned very devilishly. "In celebration of my victory over you, I think I'll just go ahead and pay Zelda another visit...three doors down on the left, right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's right. Later..._Loser_ of Time."

The sound of Ganondorf's laughter echoed down the hallway, its sound falling on the ears of the prone Hylian. When the laughter abated, all that remained were the choking sobs of Link, broken and cast away.

"At least...," he said, managing a small whisper through the intense pain, both physical and emotional, that he was feeling. "At least, before he left...I was able to feel his big, strong hands wrap around me. Oh...Ganondorf..."

**The End!**

_**Author's Note: "**Oh...oh...OH...aand _boom_ goes the dynamite." - Cleveland from "Family Guy"_


End file.
